The Celebrity Apprentice Australia #4

It's a Thursday night and the claws are out in the 

"R - E - S - P - E - C - T, find out what it means to me" 

episode of The "Celebrity" Apprentice Australia, where someone from team Ignite is about to get Fired. HA. GET IT. 

We are reminded that Polly finds it disrespectful that Deni says she's been in the industry for 2 seconds..

We are reminded that Pauline loves getting the snake out,

And I cringe at the throught of Pauline Hanson getting anyones snake out. Even if it is her own. 

We are reminded that Deni doesn't just sing jingles for anybody. 

We didn't want to hear your
stupid voice anyway. 

And we then switch to Team Unity, who are celebrating their win, and Shane tells us that it has bought the team closer together. 

Wen-Dell Laptop tells that they bought  their A Games. Really Wen-Dell? 
Where did you buy them from?


I'd like to purchase myself some A Game. 

For now, the boys can relax and watch on as each member of team Ignite fights to stay in the competition.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

We hear that the girls raised $2,300. 

Mr Bouris tells the ladies that they had "120 people going through", 

Polly tells us that she was flattered and excited... About her Facebook followers bringing in $100, and wanting their photos taken with her. 

We then get to watch everyone play a little game I like to call.. "pass the blame"

Polly reckons it's Pauline, Deni and Lisa's fault that people weren't advised about donating extra money at the door, because.. you know, when Polly was at the counter selling people food, she couldn't have mentioned that maybe they could donate a few extra dollars or anything. 

No, no, Pauline, Deni and Lisa should have told them that. 

Jesinta wants to remind us once more that she is a 20 year old girl and got in her bikini and won the last challenge. 

Well done Jesinta. That must have been so hard for you, seeing as you would never usually get in a bikini. 

Pauline said no to corperation donations. Because that's smart.

So then Mister B and her have a bit of an argument..

Lets see a bit of the dialogue. 

Mr Bouris: What do you think Pauline? 

Pauline: Jesinta did raise that about the corperation and i didnt go for it because I thought we didn't have the man power to be sitting down and spending it with the corperations.

"are you serious?" asks Max, today dressed as... a monkey with Glasses, picking bugs off his face to eat. 

"She said no to corperatin donations...." says Didier, a few minutes later. 

He wasn't listening earlier as he was too busy ogling his own reflection in a window. 

Why hello there, handsome man in the mirror.
How you doin'?

Pauline continues.. "but the whole fact was that we had family friendly environment. It wasnt a matter of getting corperations in there."

Mr Bouris: would you change your mind now?

Pauline: um... well what happened was

Mr Bouris: surely you must

Pauline: we... what happened now

Mr Bouris: no dont give me the political answer Pauline

Pauline: i'm not giving you a political answer!

Mr Bouris: I just want to know, I just want to know

Pauline: we rang up 

Mr Bouris: no, pauline

Pauline: we rang up

Mr Bouris: no, pauline 

Pauline: the corperations, they weren't interested

Mr Bouris: Pauline. Pauline. Question time. 

Pauline: yep

Mr Bouris: ok?

Pauline: yes

Mr Bouris: would you do it differently now? would you listen to Jesinta, now given in that you had such an appauling amout of money raised.

Pauline: .....in hindsight... yes. everything looks different in hindsight. 

We then get to see Mister Bouris in a commercial, reminding us that this show is BOUGHT to you by Yellow Brick Road.


Proving once again, that Australians are an edumacated bunch. 

Then, Mister Commentator tells us Celebrity became a 'dirty word' yesterday, when Deni Heinz Beans and Pop the Builder had their little spat in the car about Pop being in the industry for two seconds.


Let's look at what was said in the very mature conversation that Deni Heinz Beans conducted with Pop the Builder.


D: You've been in the industry for like, two seconds.


P: ok, please, stop saying that to me.


D: why?


P: because I find it very disrespectful.


D: oh well...




Deni tells us that celebrity has become an easy word these days, and basically anyone can be famous if they're on the television for long enough. 


Oh, so that explains how your a celebrity! I was really baffled before you cleared that one up.


D: I know you weren't talking to me, but ok.


P: no, I am


D: um, no. well I didnt hear it. It went in one ear and out the other.


P: thats VERY mature of you Deni. 


D: thank you very much.. Mum..


P: are you.. Are you serious? Is this really how you talk to people? I find it very offencive. 


D: okay!




In the board room, Mr Bouris asks Deni..

"do you see Polly as a celebrity? Honest answer."

"um.. no I dont. no, I do. I do, I do, I do see her as a celebrity. A celebrated person. I don't see myself as a celebrity. I know that I am, but I dont see myself as that."

"But you're celebrity royalty..? I mean, you're born into it."

 "I know I am. I.. yeah.. but I really have a problem.. (we can see that) coz celebrity is so easy these days to do. you get on TV for 5 minutes and you can be a celebrity. I think theres a lot more to celebrity than.. that."

Deni can be observed making sense in the next three photos.

Mister Bouris tells us that polly raised $100 in tips, but Deni raised.. nothing. 


Deni puts this down to...

"People recognize her. They don't recognize my face, but they recognize yours. (Polly's)"

Then Polly tells us something like..


 If they recognize my face, doesn't that make me a celebrity?

Then Deni Heinz Beans says..  "I said you were one. I'm not one."

Julie is trying to work out
what it is that Deni has been smoking.

Deni then tells us that...

"I raised no money, but I kept the floors clean. I swept the floors, I got people in. When i'm out on the street, people recognize my face and I get them in. "

Didn't you just say that people don't recognize your face..?

Because saying  something like 

probably makes more sense than the crap she just came out with.

Polly tell sus that.. This cover is a cover. 

Yes, a cover that makes you look like you've smelt something really really bad.

Do you smell that, Jesinta?

How about you Julie?

It wasn't me.

I swear.

Didier tells us that "these girls are so strategic maaaannnnn...." 

Pauline decides to bring Polly and Deni back in to the board room,

which should be really fun, seeing as these three girls all like eachother so much.

And we switch to a realistic receptionist who sits at a desk, this week featuring a laptop and a calculator, who's soul job is to say "Yes sir" and "Mister Bouris will see you now", after which she can resume playing Angry Birds. 

Whats that? You want to speak to.. Mike Rotch?
Hang on. Let me ask for you.

Is there a Mike Rotch in the room?
I have a phone call for Mike Rotch. 

Little Simpsons reference there, for anyone who doesn't get it.

Deni tells us that if its about work ethic, she'll do well,

but if it's about the money, then she got a D+.

Hmm. well I don't know about you, but i'm pretty sure the whole point of Celebrity Apprentice has nothing to do with money, at all, in the slightest.

So we should keep Deni for sure.

Pauline manages to not think of a reason she shouldn't be fired.

But instead explains that she did her job as project manager,

by sweeping floors and adjusting chairs.

Polly has a hard working ethic, and Deni Heinz Beans tells us that Polly should be fired because...

She has over 24,000 followers on facebook or twitter or myspace or google or runescape what ever. 

Because last time a "celebrity" posted on facebook..

 "hey guyz come down to KFC and buy some chicken!"

I jumped in the car with all my friends and raced half way across Sydney to a really obscure KFC to do so. 

And Deni has a mother who's a famous singer, who probably has a lot of famous and rich friends in the music industry. And it wouldnt make sense for Deni to contact her mum and ask her to come down to KFC and get on a microphone and sing to attract attention, and ask people to donate money. 

It's clear that Polly is the one that should have brought in all the money in this situation, because she has a lot of facebook friends.

And here we are thinking that Deni should get fired, because she's a poor team player who brought in no money...

And then.. SHOCK. WHAT? POLLY GETS FIRED!

There there Polly, we still love you.

And the 2 Minute Instant Celebrity is cast out into the night, to catch the midnight train BMW going anywhere....

 I can imagine that will go down well with the public. 


It'll probably go down just as well as Quantas being grounded indefinitely. 

Stay tuned for next week! Now go do something productive :)

<3 Alex

Celebrity Apprentice Australia #3

Alright everyone, get ready to put on your red KFC shirt and white rubber gloves, and hope the sight and sound of grinding chicken bones doesn't make you feel sick,
because it's time for the....
"I dont want to be a chicken, I dont want to be a duck, fuck fuck fuck fuck" 
episode of Celebrity Apprentice Australia!!

******

A huge convoy of black BMW four wheel drives containing the celebs come to a halt somewhere in Circular Quay, and i'm beginning to finally understand the reason Mr Bouris' budget for the show wouldn't stretch far enough as to employ some REAL Australian Celebrities. It's because he blew the majority of the funding on paying for the shiny black cars that they get to Taxi around in.


The celebrities walk together, led by Mumma P, today dressed like... some sort of Scottish Tea Cosy.

The celebrities are introduced to Mister Tony Lowings, the CEO of KFC Australia. Funny, i'd expected a man with a white beard, glasses and a red apron. Instead, i'm seeing a well dressed South African man. Close enough.


The celebs are told that their challenge is to run a KFC store for 3 hours.


Mister Bouris' Blonde Assistant tells the celebs "you will prepare food, take orders, and create a family dine in experience." and says it in such a slow and deliberate voice, that you'd almost assume she was talking to a group of 3 year olds. 


Well, she may as well be, because a group of 3 year olds would probably have about the same experience in running a fast food shop as all the celebrities put together.


But wait! What's this? Mumma P tells us she "grew up in a shop and owned my own fish and chip shop for nearly 10 years."


I always thought there was something fishy about Pauline...
HA.


We hear that KFC prides themselves on serving every customer in under 60 seconds, and so the teams now have 60 seconds to decide a project manager. 


HOLD UP. HOLD UP. Let's go back for a second,
I don't know about you,


But never in my entire life have I been served in 60 seconds at KFC. Well, not that I go there very often, but lets be honest here, I really don't think that ever happens. It's a nice thought though.


Anyway, the girls make an easy decision in about 3 seconds, and nominate Pop The Builder to be project manager, then change their mind and instead nominate Mumma P.


The boys decision was equally as easy, and Shane explains to us the logical thought process that was behind their choice.


"It was like I was standing in a line, and I look to my right, everyone had taken a step back."


Once again reinforcing the meaning behind their team name, "Unity", and how they Unite in all their decisions.


Speaking of team names, Bouris' Babes decide they will change their name to something a bit more Appropriate. They go with IGNITE.
I know hey, how the words Ignite and Fired have similar connotations... 


Deni Heinz Beans automatically jumps in once the meeting with Mister B is over, and explains that "You're really going to have to pull me back with this one girls, because I am a vegetarian."


"I am a strict vegetarian, please don't make me hold the chicken, please don't make me work in the kitchen." 
Alright, fair enough that you don't want to do that. I won't write any bitchy comments.
 I'll just think them, and post a gif of my face when I heard you say that.

toughen up buttercup.

Jesinta Campbells Soup reckons "it's not about our personal ideas around it, it's about running this for three hours, as efficiently as we can."
YOU GO GIRL!


After the 338th Sydney montage so far in the past 3 episodes, we are taken to Pop the Builder, explaining how she struggled in the first challenge, thinking that "ohh.. they were the celebrities  and here's little old me.. But that's not true. Mister Bouris has asked me to be one of the celebrity apprentices, I was invited here for a reason."
Yes honey, the reason being that the budget wouldn't stretch so far as to actually have a worth while celebrity on the show...... instead of you.

OOOOH, now THAT was a bit harsh, Alex.

We switch to Shane, the unwilling project manager for Team Unity, 
and another scene with the Budget Blowing BMW's, this time with Max Cue Ball explaining that if someone were to come in and give a $20,000 tip, THAT'S where the money will come from.


Funny that Max, I personally would have thought that your cheerful face would have been the money maker in this episode. 

he's like a ray of sunshine, isn't he?

We learn that Max has been voted as the team cock, sorry, I meant cook.. Because he needs to start being a follower, and not a leader. Or something logical like that.




Pauline cracks a punny joke about how she doesn't want people running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and then proceeds to ramble for a good 5 minutes about how that was not a good joke, and it was a bad pun, and she takes it back.


Upon arriving at the Mascot KFC, Mumma P explains what we want when we go into KFC, being good service, a good product, and an enjoyable experience. 


I don't know about you, but when those things are on MY dining check list, I head down to a nice restaurant. Not KFC. Usually what I expect when going into KFC is slow and un-joyful service, a greasy and fatty product, and a very fast "get in, get out" experience. But you know, what ever floats your boat. 


Mumma P proceeds to explain to us that she knows she would make a better leader than Julia Gillard, (only difference I see between Julia Gillard and Pauline Hanson is that one is prime minister and the other isn't)
She says,  "if i was ever in the position as Prime Minister, because i'm going to work my butt off, and i'm going to put what i've got up here into practice, and if my team members don't work with me and pull with me then i'll damn well tell them. i'm going to succeed because I don't see myself as a loser. i'm a winner."


DUH, WINNING!

Max Cue Ball ONCE AGAIN reinforces the concept behind the team name Unity, 


"Shane's the project manager, i'm not sure he wanted to be it, we kind of pushed him into it."


United again in their decisions.


Good decision nominating Shane though, because first thing he suggests doing is HAVING LUNCH!


Now THAT'S the sort of person i'd like to work for. 


Seeing as the men aren't making any progress, we'll check out the women again...


where Jesinta Campbells Soup has taken off her bikini and replaced it with some glasses.

coz they make me look smart!
ok youse!

The girls are still bickering and some things are said about signs not being allowed out the front of KFC. I'm not entirely sure what was said here, because I was distracted by something a bit more interesting. Being a split end I found in my ponytail. 




Back to Shane and team Unity, where they are still talking about lunch.
"We need to identify the rolls"

Well go on then,
start identifying them?

OOOH, he meant Roles! Right, well Dell Laptop decides that seeing as they are in the heart of Rugby League territory, he should be out the front, because everyone will recognize him. So essentially his role is to stand outside and get attention, while everyone else does the hard slog.
Sounds like the sort of job i'd enjoy.


Jason reckons that seeing as Max Cue Ball was at the front of house last time, he should be at the back of house this time, so Max is exiled to the kitchen, and i'm hoping that at some stage through the show, he might have a "secret millionaire moment" and decide to donate a bunch of money to this kid

...for working so hard, and having to explain to Max that No, he does NOT know what goes in to the 11 secret herbs and spices mix- because it is Secret. Funny that.


Max also proceeds to scratch his bum and then use the same finger to play naughts and crosses in the 11 secret herbs and spices bucket.

Because, this just in,
hygiene is no longer necessary.

He then has some sort of seizure when putting the chicken into the deep fryer,

"SHYAHHHHHHH"

I believe it is because he is a vegetarian.


This must be the reason Deni Heinz Beans didn't want to be in the kitchen. She mustn't have had her EpiPen with her, in case she suffered an anaphylactic chicken shock, like the one Max just suffered.  

Max reckons that to cook the chicken, all he has to do is "shake, boom, in. shake, boom, in"

"All you  have to do is shake, boom, in.
shake, boom, in."
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!! NGYAHHAHHHAHA

We flick back over to Team Ignite, who are all dressed up in their KFC uniforms. And they all fit the part rather well. Aside from the fact that they all seem to be struggling greatly.

Pop the Builder gets a guided tour of the menu,

i've always wanted to know what
was written on those little screens.

But asks if she can swap with someone else, because clearly there are no blue prints or floor plans on the menu, so she can't seem to read it.

Lisa asks if the mop is easy to use, "because it appears to be in a bit of a contraption."

Ladies, that "contraption" is known as a bucket.
It appears that it takes 4 celebrities to work out
what a common house hold cleaning item does.

Our comedian Julia sings us a strange rap/song about how she had so many rules..


stuff and scrub it down and get it on and braid? it up and do it ten times then do it seven times..
 NOICE.


After her delightful song, she then takes us back to 1982 when she got her first part time job,
when she was 15 and working in a KFC in Gosford,


and how very early on in the job she dropped a bucket of chicken. 
And then they didn't really feel that she was the "part time job type".
Now i'm understanding. 
She couldn't even get a job in a fast food shop.
so THATS why she's had to resort to being a "comedian"


We flick over to Didier, who tells us that if he had focused this much in school, he'd be a lawyer or a doctor.
Yeah Didier? Well, you didn't. And look where that's got you. You're an unsuccessful fai-.... oh wait.
No no, I think it's alright that you're not a doctor or a lawyer. You seem to be doing quite fine being an international male model.
Lucky bastard.


For some reason, Wen-Dell Laptop gets the job of hosting, and... cleaning the toilets?
But that's ok, because he soon puts down his toilet brush and heads to a party store with Didier to buy a bunch of pink things. 




what is it about adults in shops and being immature?

I seem to recall Jesinta and Polly playing dress ups
as well?

Speaking of Jesinta, boy does she enjoy trying to boss around Mamma P. Among other changes that are occurring now that Jesinta is finally hitting puberty, such as discovering hair growing in places it's never grown before, as well as having two small lumps beginning to grow on her chest, she is also experiencing what it is like to be treated like an adult. 


As Deni would put it, "she's still wet behind the ears and the umbilical cord hasn't yet dropped off."


Deni Heinz Beans and Mumma P are just sore because baby Jesinta is trying to have them stick to a time schedule..
This is actually something i've spotted on the Celebrity Apprentice Australia's Facebook Page a few times,
leave a comment as to whether you think Jesinta should back off and give Pauline a bit of respect, or if you think she was right to put Pauline in her place, after stuffing around with signs all day.




Oh, and here's the car scene.
Polly finds it disrespectful that Heinz Beans reckons she's only been in the industry for 2 seconds.
HANG ON. let me just.. go back a few entries in my blog..
ah yes, here we go.

I quoted Polly, as she said "i've been in the industry for two minutes".
So.. Polly, you said it yourself. Why are you going off at Deni for saying it again?
But to be fair, you said two minutes, and Deni only credited you for two seconds.


BUT to be fair, that was very rude and immature of Deni while they were in the car, especially with her whole "cool story bro" and "were you talking to me? because it went in one ear and out the other" attitude towards everything Polly said. 


Polly explains that she has "worked her absolute batuuti off, and would like a little respect for it"
Because being thrown on The Block and asked to build a house suddenly makes you parallel in celebrity status to the daughter of an Australian idol judge.. oh wait.
Actually.. Yeah, that sounds about right to be honest. 




So i'll skip over the part where Mumma P sounds like she's going to cry and has a little yell, and wastes a bunch of time getting angry with Jesinta for telling her that they were running out of time the day before. 




Mumma P wants a Jingle done for the day. 
Heinz Beans tells us that she has a very recognizable voice, and doesnt sing for just anybody. So refuses to write or sing a jingle. Because she is a really great team player.


So thanks to the poor effort on Heinz Beans part, Jesinta and Polly come up with a short and sweet jingle,

KFC, KFC, WE'RE ALL ABOUT
THE QUALITY!

Mamma P isnt impressed..

but hey, at least they tried.. Better than Deni did.. 
Bitch.




Oh hey, if you ever want to get KFC food in a hurry, 
Northmede KFC is the place to go. coz they clearly have no service at all...

I think there's something suspicious happening here, 
This is the second time that the Girls team has got the better of two locations.
Bondi had more cars coming through the car wash than Gladesville,
and now the Westmead KFC has more customers than the Northmede one!


Oh Look! Julia,
who is so down with the young peeps and has a gift in wrapping, sorry, I mean a gift in rapping, 
gets out and starts convulsing while speak/singing these lyrics:

its KFC,
it totally rocks
i'm out the back
i'm getting shocks

from how unreal
it is to cook
I go seven seven 
ten ten

press seven up
we go get ready
the Chicken's 
out the door

everybody happy 
coming back for more
it's KFC...
it's KFC...

Yes Julie, now don't quit your day job.


-KFC- now available on itunes.






Deni Heinz Beans is giving out cuddes...?

she wanted to get a cuddle off the po-po, but they wouldn't give her one. And apparently
that's what's wrong with this world.

Max has trouble telling the difference between Ribs, Thighs and Breasts. 
which doesn't surprise me.


Wen-Dell Laptop reckons that working at KFC BOUGHT a good experience,


Julie tells us that rats jump the ship, but she's having a lovely time, because we're all going to have a little swim as the ship goes down, and I just hope the water's not too cold. 
Because yes Julie.

SQUEAK SQUEAK CHEESE SQUEAK

the boys have a messy place by the end of it,

whereas Pauline Hanson is out cleaning until the very end.

like a good woman.

Team Unity's shop finally looks like it's got some sort of fun event happening, with lots of people, balloons, laughter, cheering.. 

compare this image to the one above,
and tell me which one you think looks
more like a fun dining experience?

a ute filled with 60 buckets of chicken is a cause for celebration,

Lisa Curry tells us she has been running around like a blue ass fly, and would like to pat a puppy too.

the best dining experience gets $5000 dollars, because last time i checked, 
I always go to KFC for a good dining experience.


it's just a little bit fancy..
oh wait
wrong place.




and it's board room time!! 


Jesinta tells everyone off for talking to her like a child,
and there is way too much talk about RESPECT.


Deni Heinz Beans tells Mister Bouris that she writes songs for a living
and can't write one for something she doesnt believe in
because honey, she's a vegetarian,
and Mister Yellow Brick Road IS . NOT . HONEY. 
if they'd given her a song, she would have sung it,
but she would not write one herself. because she has a brand and a reputation to protect.


MAKES SENSE.




So the boys win the best dining experience, after receiving a $7500 cheque for 600 pieces of chicken, as well as $5000 for having the best dining experience. 


And the girls raised something like $200 in tips, a couple of dust mites, a safety pin, pocket fluff, a left over zinger burger and some rubber from burst balloons, which will all be donated to the Awareness of the Correct Use Of Bucket Contraptions Foundation.


Right, now that that's over and done with,
stay tuned for Episode 4!


Go do something productive.
<3 Alex