Celebrity Apprentice Australia #3

Alright everyone, get ready to put on your red KFC shirt and white rubber gloves, and hope the sight and sound of grinding chicken bones doesn't make you feel sick,
because it's time for the....
"I dont want to be a chicken, I dont want to be a duck, fuck fuck fuck fuck" 
episode of Celebrity Apprentice Australia!!

******

A huge convoy of black BMW four wheel drives containing the celebs come to a halt somewhere in Circular Quay, and i'm beginning to finally understand the reason Mr Bouris' budget for the show wouldn't stretch far enough as to employ some REAL Australian Celebrities. It's because he blew the majority of the funding on paying for the shiny black cars that they get to Taxi around in.


The celebrities walk together, led by Mumma P, today dressed like... some sort of Scottish Tea Cosy.

The celebrities are introduced to Mister Tony Lowings, the CEO of KFC Australia. Funny, i'd expected a man with a white beard, glasses and a red apron. Instead, i'm seeing a well dressed South African man. Close enough.


The celebs are told that their challenge is to run a KFC store for 3 hours.


Mister Bouris' Blonde Assistant tells the celebs "you will prepare food, take orders, and create a family dine in experience." and says it in such a slow and deliberate voice, that you'd almost assume she was talking to a group of 3 year olds. 


Well, she may as well be, because a group of 3 year olds would probably have about the same experience in running a fast food shop as all the celebrities put together.


But wait! What's this? Mumma P tells us she "grew up in a shop and owned my own fish and chip shop for nearly 10 years."


I always thought there was something fishy about Pauline...
HA.


We hear that KFC prides themselves on serving every customer in under 60 seconds, and so the teams now have 60 seconds to decide a project manager. 


HOLD UP. HOLD UP. Let's go back for a second,
I don't know about you,


But never in my entire life have I been served in 60 seconds at KFC. Well, not that I go there very often, but lets be honest here, I really don't think that ever happens. It's a nice thought though.


Anyway, the girls make an easy decision in about 3 seconds, and nominate Pop The Builder to be project manager, then change their mind and instead nominate Mumma P.


The boys decision was equally as easy, and Shane explains to us the logical thought process that was behind their choice.


"It was like I was standing in a line, and I look to my right, everyone had taken a step back."


Once again reinforcing the meaning behind their team name, "Unity", and how they Unite in all their decisions.


Speaking of team names, Bouris' Babes decide they will change their name to something a bit more Appropriate. They go with IGNITE.
I know hey, how the words Ignite and Fired have similar connotations... 


Deni Heinz Beans automatically jumps in once the meeting with Mister B is over, and explains that "You're really going to have to pull me back with this one girls, because I am a vegetarian."


"I am a strict vegetarian, please don't make me hold the chicken, please don't make me work in the kitchen." 
Alright, fair enough that you don't want to do that. I won't write any bitchy comments.
 I'll just think them, and post a gif of my face when I heard you say that.

toughen up buttercup.

Jesinta Campbells Soup reckons "it's not about our personal ideas around it, it's about running this for three hours, as efficiently as we can."
YOU GO GIRL!


After the 338th Sydney montage so far in the past 3 episodes, we are taken to Pop the Builder, explaining how she struggled in the first challenge, thinking that "ohh.. they were the celebrities  and here's little old me.. But that's not true. Mister Bouris has asked me to be one of the celebrity apprentices, I was invited here for a reason."
Yes honey, the reason being that the budget wouldn't stretch so far as to actually have a worth while celebrity on the show...... instead of you.

OOOOH, now THAT was a bit harsh, Alex.

We switch to Shane, the unwilling project manager for Team Unity, 
and another scene with the Budget Blowing BMW's, this time with Max Cue Ball explaining that if someone were to come in and give a $20,000 tip, THAT'S where the money will come from.


Funny that Max, I personally would have thought that your cheerful face would have been the money maker in this episode. 

he's like a ray of sunshine, isn't he?

We learn that Max has been voted as the team cock, sorry, I meant cook.. Because he needs to start being a follower, and not a leader. Or something logical like that.




Pauline cracks a punny joke about how she doesn't want people running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and then proceeds to ramble for a good 5 minutes about how that was not a good joke, and it was a bad pun, and she takes it back.


Upon arriving at the Mascot KFC, Mumma P explains what we want when we go into KFC, being good service, a good product, and an enjoyable experience. 


I don't know about you, but when those things are on MY dining check list, I head down to a nice restaurant. Not KFC. Usually what I expect when going into KFC is slow and un-joyful service, a greasy and fatty product, and a very fast "get in, get out" experience. But you know, what ever floats your boat. 


Mumma P proceeds to explain to us that she knows she would make a better leader than Julia Gillard, (only difference I see between Julia Gillard and Pauline Hanson is that one is prime minister and the other isn't)
She says,  "if i was ever in the position as Prime Minister, because i'm going to work my butt off, and i'm going to put what i've got up here into practice, and if my team members don't work with me and pull with me then i'll damn well tell them. i'm going to succeed because I don't see myself as a loser. i'm a winner."


DUH, WINNING!

Max Cue Ball ONCE AGAIN reinforces the concept behind the team name Unity, 


"Shane's the project manager, i'm not sure he wanted to be it, we kind of pushed him into it."


United again in their decisions.


Good decision nominating Shane though, because first thing he suggests doing is HAVING LUNCH!


Now THAT'S the sort of person i'd like to work for. 


Seeing as the men aren't making any progress, we'll check out the women again...


where Jesinta Campbells Soup has taken off her bikini and replaced it with some glasses.

coz they make me look smart!
ok youse!

The girls are still bickering and some things are said about signs not being allowed out the front of KFC. I'm not entirely sure what was said here, because I was distracted by something a bit more interesting. Being a split end I found in my ponytail. 




Back to Shane and team Unity, where they are still talking about lunch.
"We need to identify the rolls"

Well go on then,
start identifying them?

OOOH, he meant Roles! Right, well Dell Laptop decides that seeing as they are in the heart of Rugby League territory, he should be out the front, because everyone will recognize him. So essentially his role is to stand outside and get attention, while everyone else does the hard slog.
Sounds like the sort of job i'd enjoy.


Jason reckons that seeing as Max Cue Ball was at the front of house last time, he should be at the back of house this time, so Max is exiled to the kitchen, and i'm hoping that at some stage through the show, he might have a "secret millionaire moment" and decide to donate a bunch of money to this kid

...for working so hard, and having to explain to Max that No, he does NOT know what goes in to the 11 secret herbs and spices mix- because it is Secret. Funny that.


Max also proceeds to scratch his bum and then use the same finger to play naughts and crosses in the 11 secret herbs and spices bucket.

Because, this just in,
hygiene is no longer necessary.

He then has some sort of seizure when putting the chicken into the deep fryer,

"SHYAHHHHHHH"

I believe it is because he is a vegetarian.


This must be the reason Deni Heinz Beans didn't want to be in the kitchen. She mustn't have had her EpiPen with her, in case she suffered an anaphylactic chicken shock, like the one Max just suffered.  

Max reckons that to cook the chicken, all he has to do is "shake, boom, in. shake, boom, in"

"All you  have to do is shake, boom, in.
shake, boom, in."
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!! NGYAHHAHHHAHA

We flick back over to Team Ignite, who are all dressed up in their KFC uniforms. And they all fit the part rather well. Aside from the fact that they all seem to be struggling greatly.

Pop the Builder gets a guided tour of the menu,

i've always wanted to know what
was written on those little screens.

But asks if she can swap with someone else, because clearly there are no blue prints or floor plans on the menu, so she can't seem to read it.

Lisa asks if the mop is easy to use, "because it appears to be in a bit of a contraption."

Ladies, that "contraption" is known as a bucket.
It appears that it takes 4 celebrities to work out
what a common house hold cleaning item does.

Our comedian Julia sings us a strange rap/song about how she had so many rules..


stuff and scrub it down and get it on and braid? it up and do it ten times then do it seven times..
 NOICE.


After her delightful song, she then takes us back to 1982 when she got her first part time job,
when she was 15 and working in a KFC in Gosford,


and how very early on in the job she dropped a bucket of chicken. 
And then they didn't really feel that she was the "part time job type".
Now i'm understanding. 
She couldn't even get a job in a fast food shop.
so THATS why she's had to resort to being a "comedian"


We flick over to Didier, who tells us that if he had focused this much in school, he'd be a lawyer or a doctor.
Yeah Didier? Well, you didn't. And look where that's got you. You're an unsuccessful fai-.... oh wait.
No no, I think it's alright that you're not a doctor or a lawyer. You seem to be doing quite fine being an international male model.
Lucky bastard.


For some reason, Wen-Dell Laptop gets the job of hosting, and... cleaning the toilets?
But that's ok, because he soon puts down his toilet brush and heads to a party store with Didier to buy a bunch of pink things. 




what is it about adults in shops and being immature?

I seem to recall Jesinta and Polly playing dress ups
as well?

Speaking of Jesinta, boy does she enjoy trying to boss around Mamma P. Among other changes that are occurring now that Jesinta is finally hitting puberty, such as discovering hair growing in places it's never grown before, as well as having two small lumps beginning to grow on her chest, she is also experiencing what it is like to be treated like an adult. 


As Deni would put it, "she's still wet behind the ears and the umbilical cord hasn't yet dropped off."


Deni Heinz Beans and Mumma P are just sore because baby Jesinta is trying to have them stick to a time schedule..
This is actually something i've spotted on the Celebrity Apprentice Australia's Facebook Page a few times,
leave a comment as to whether you think Jesinta should back off and give Pauline a bit of respect, or if you think she was right to put Pauline in her place, after stuffing around with signs all day.




Oh, and here's the car scene.
Polly finds it disrespectful that Heinz Beans reckons she's only been in the industry for 2 seconds.
HANG ON. let me just.. go back a few entries in my blog..
ah yes, here we go.

I quoted Polly, as she said "i've been in the industry for two minutes".
So.. Polly, you said it yourself. Why are you going off at Deni for saying it again?
But to be fair, you said two minutes, and Deni only credited you for two seconds.


BUT to be fair, that was very rude and immature of Deni while they were in the car, especially with her whole "cool story bro" and "were you talking to me? because it went in one ear and out the other" attitude towards everything Polly said. 


Polly explains that she has "worked her absolute batuuti off, and would like a little respect for it"
Because being thrown on The Block and asked to build a house suddenly makes you parallel in celebrity status to the daughter of an Australian idol judge.. oh wait.
Actually.. Yeah, that sounds about right to be honest. 




So i'll skip over the part where Mumma P sounds like she's going to cry and has a little yell, and wastes a bunch of time getting angry with Jesinta for telling her that they were running out of time the day before. 




Mumma P wants a Jingle done for the day. 
Heinz Beans tells us that she has a very recognizable voice, and doesnt sing for just anybody. So refuses to write or sing a jingle. Because she is a really great team player.


So thanks to the poor effort on Heinz Beans part, Jesinta and Polly come up with a short and sweet jingle,

KFC, KFC, WE'RE ALL ABOUT
THE QUALITY!

Mamma P isnt impressed..

but hey, at least they tried.. Better than Deni did.. 
Bitch.




Oh hey, if you ever want to get KFC food in a hurry, 
Northmede KFC is the place to go. coz they clearly have no service at all...

I think there's something suspicious happening here, 
This is the second time that the Girls team has got the better of two locations.
Bondi had more cars coming through the car wash than Gladesville,
and now the Westmead KFC has more customers than the Northmede one!


Oh Look! Julia,
who is so down with the young peeps and has a gift in wrapping, sorry, I mean a gift in rapping, 
gets out and starts convulsing while speak/singing these lyrics:

its KFC,
it totally rocks
i'm out the back
i'm getting shocks

from how unreal
it is to cook
I go seven seven 
ten ten

press seven up
we go get ready
the Chicken's 
out the door

everybody happy 
coming back for more
it's KFC...
it's KFC...

Yes Julie, now don't quit your day job.


-KFC- now available on itunes.






Deni Heinz Beans is giving out cuddes...?

she wanted to get a cuddle off the po-po, but they wouldn't give her one. And apparently
that's what's wrong with this world.

Max has trouble telling the difference between Ribs, Thighs and Breasts. 
which doesn't surprise me.


Wen-Dell Laptop reckons that working at KFC BOUGHT a good experience,


Julie tells us that rats jump the ship, but she's having a lovely time, because we're all going to have a little swim as the ship goes down, and I just hope the water's not too cold. 
Because yes Julie.

SQUEAK SQUEAK CHEESE SQUEAK

the boys have a messy place by the end of it,

whereas Pauline Hanson is out cleaning until the very end.

like a good woman.

Team Unity's shop finally looks like it's got some sort of fun event happening, with lots of people, balloons, laughter, cheering.. 

compare this image to the one above,
and tell me which one you think looks
more like a fun dining experience?

a ute filled with 60 buckets of chicken is a cause for celebration,

Lisa Curry tells us she has been running around like a blue ass fly, and would like to pat a puppy too.

the best dining experience gets $5000 dollars, because last time i checked, 
I always go to KFC for a good dining experience.


it's just a little bit fancy..
oh wait
wrong place.




and it's board room time!! 


Jesinta tells everyone off for talking to her like a child,
and there is way too much talk about RESPECT.


Deni Heinz Beans tells Mister Bouris that she writes songs for a living
and can't write one for something she doesnt believe in
because honey, she's a vegetarian,
and Mister Yellow Brick Road IS . NOT . HONEY. 
if they'd given her a song, she would have sung it,
but she would not write one herself. because she has a brand and a reputation to protect.


MAKES SENSE.




So the boys win the best dining experience, after receiving a $7500 cheque for 600 pieces of chicken, as well as $5000 for having the best dining experience. 


And the girls raised something like $200 in tips, a couple of dust mites, a safety pin, pocket fluff, a left over zinger burger and some rubber from burst balloons, which will all be donated to the Awareness of the Correct Use Of Bucket Contraptions Foundation.


Right, now that that's over and done with,
stay tuned for Episode 4!


Go do something productive.
<3 Alex

Cool Story of the Day

Well, I feel as though i've posted too many photos and not enough interesting stories that people will want to read. So, i'm going to take a word out of my darling Tom Yanco's book, and try write some funny story, and then put some photos and gifs in that are relevant. I've never really written a funny story that is a recount of my day.. but i'll give it a try.

My Saturday.
Meagans' 20th.

After spending 2 hours getting ready to go into the city for my first ever night of clubbing, and trying on countless outfits, shoes and hairstyles, I was finally ready to head in to town. The first few minutes of the car ride were spent with me sitting, looking dreamily out the window.. thinking of the night to come. My first adventure as an adult into the nightlife of Sydney clubs.
 And then it hit me.
Holy Shit. 
I'm going to need to dance, aren't I.

See, here's the problem.
While all the bitches and hoes will be out on the dance floor, acting like this:

close enough.

here i'll be, acting like this:

But then I began thinking.. Sure, it might seem that clubbing is all about dancing, but everyone's going to be so tightly packed together, they probably wont even notice what people around them are dancing like. seeing as it wont really be dancing, more.. writhing around like a tin full of live sardines. live.. sweaty.. sardines.

No, it wasn't dancing that I had to fear. it was the way I was dressed.
As we were driving along, I took out a little mirror and thought, "GURLL, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

Expectation:

Reality:

Aside from the fact that the lighting in my bathroom is so terrible, I didn't realize how awful my makeup was until I was outside in the car, in the sunlight... To top it off, I looked down at the dress I was wearing, and I may as well have skinned a sheep and worn it's coat, because that probably would have made for an outfit that wouldn't have been so hot. I was wearing a thick dress with long sleeves, on a hot night. And I was expecting to be able do dance in that, without passing out?

yeah... i'm screwed. 

I get dropped just down the road from the place we were meeting, Lowenbrou, a fancy German restaurant with lots of loud music, and dancing to "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck."

As i'm walking to said restaurant, I notice problem 3.
Shoes.
THE GOD DAMNED SHOES. 
here I am, thinking before I leave.. I'm in for a long night, I wont wear any shoes that are too tall. So I decide to put on a really short pair of heels. they felt nice and comfortable at first. I guess that was because I walked from the door to the car.
well, of course, just my luck. They're ended up being about as comfortable as strapping angry porcupines to my feet.

I hobble on over to the restaurant, and am confronted by a huge bouncer. I was expecting to be checked for ID, like every other person in the line in front of me, but for some reason, he just took one look at me, gave me a stamp on my hand, and let me on through. Although i guess with a face like this...

who wouldn't think I was over 18?

So I'm led to the table that we had reserved for Meagans' party, and seeing as i'm half an hour early, I'm the first person there. So I take my seat, forever alone.

There's this German band on the stage, which I was sitting almost in front of, with about 5 old ish blonde guys playing accordions. They were getting everyone up and dancing to the "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck" song,

QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK

And one of the band members in particular seemed to take quite a liking to me.
In the whole bloody restaurant, so packed full of dancing people, why did he pick ME? Yes, it might be attributed to the fact that I was sitting alone at the table, but it was very VERY uncomfortable, knowing that every time I looked up from the menu I would see this.

So i'm sitting there, trying to find any excuse to avoid this mans.. inviting gaze.. when suddenly, a chair is pulled out opposite me, and some dashing young man sits down to say hello.
"My my my, what's a pretty little thing like you doing here all by yourself? you look awful lonely. mind if I sit here and keep you company?"

no... no, of course.. not...

"so, do you come here often?"  <---- YEAH NICE ONE BUDDY. ORIGINAL.

"Oh, I come here a fair bit with my boyfriend."

well, it's safe to say that I managed to use that excuse 3 times, on the 3 different guys that came over to me while I was waiting. They didn't stay for long after that was said.

and you know whats funny? Sam and I have never been to Lowenbrow together!

Anyway, the rest of Meagan's birthday gang arrive, we eat a VERY EXPENSIVE MEAL. (so worth it though....) have VERY LITTLE conversation, because of the seedy German accordion gang and their horribly loud music, and then go next door for... MY FIRST CLUBBING EXPERIENCE! 
So i'm in line, waiting to get my ID checked. I can hear the music from outside. Sure, the music wasn't quite what i'd expected.. no real.. dance music. but when I finally walked through the doors, this place was BEAUTIFUL. The Argyle, in the Rocks. Check it out :)

Anyway, I was expecting to get in there, and people would be dancing, like the sweaty sardines i'd compared them to earlier. but no, people were sitting down, yelling at each other over the music, trying to hear what they were saying.
Now I know that sitting around drinking expensive drinks and trying to hear yourself think might SOUND interesting, but I was temporarily distracted by some lint on my woolly dress.

A few of us girls from Meagan's gang get up and try to start a dance floor...
You know, hoping for a little bit of...

but ending up with mostly...

There was no dancing. There was no partying. There was no singing.
But worse of all, the drinks were so expensive.

No.

I don't think you understand.

The drinks. Were Expensive.

EXPENSIVE DRINKS. NO GOOD MUSIC. NO DANCING.

NO FUN.

 

Oh, the humanity.

So we all high tail it out of there, away from the expensive drinks and poor music. And walk (yes.. walk. in the painful shoes) to Jacksons.

Here's me, all the way to Jacksons on George.

So we get there, buy some cheap drinks. YES. CHEAP DRINKS.

And then I get to go and do some REAL DANCING.

I'm sorry.. but being asked to complete incredibly complex and advanced dancing moves like

might seem easy, but I am currently still mastering the art of movement while my feet are ON F***ING FIRE. OH THE PAIN. MAKE IT END.  God damned shoes. I would have been better off wearing 6 inch comfortable shoes rather than 2 inch uncomfortable shoes. And the stupid ass holes and their stupid OHS policy wouldn't allow me to take them off.

Well anyway, at about 1:30 my parents call and tell me that they are ready to take me home. They stayed out for a night in the city, and they met me at the entrance of the club. Here I am, on the phone to mum... she says

"Ok, we're outside!"

and i'm expecting to come walking out to see the car pulled up at the door, where I will be able to swan dive into the car and take off my horrible excuse for shoes, feeling that incredible sensation that you get when removing painful shoes after hours and hours of.. pain.

Come on girls, you know the one i'm talking about.

well, close enough.

But what's this? I make it to the door of Jacksons, hobble outside, and see my mum and dad standing on the footpath. 

No car in sight.

Surely this must be some sort of troll.

They wouldn't park a few streets away, surely. It must be just around the corner.

"Um.. mum, dad, wheres the car?"

"Oh! we had to park down near town hall."

That's walking from The Rocks, to Town Hall. That's 1.7 KM's according to google maps. 

and for those of you unfamiliar with Sydney, 

to a girl in heels with bleeding feet,

that's like a Mexican crossing the border running bare foot, all the way New York.

 

Now, I know you're probably thinking.. suck it up princess. well, that's exactly what I did. I put on my boss face, and tanked the half hour walk, and looked damn good while doing it.

Well, it wasn't quite like that.

it was more like this, but.. not as glamorous.

ok. I guess it was really like this.

Point being that in the end, I made it to the car. EVENTUALLY. and yes. I took my shoes off. 

I guess all there is left to tell is that I got in the car, we came home, I crashed on the bed and woke up in the morning to realize.. I hadn't taken my makeup off last night.

Sigh.

Time to break out the makeup remover. 

this being the result, after I removed my makeup.

well, that's it then. I'm done. My clubbing experience was fun, but painful.

If you've made it this far in my cool story, then you're probably Samuel or Tash or Nicky.

If you're not, leave a comment, i'd love to see who actually bothered to read all this crap!

On a side note, i've pulled an all nighter, working on this blog. it's now 6:53AM.. and i'm past the point of feeling tired. but i'm also over writing. i'll just leave it at that.

Now, Go do something productive!

<3 Alex