The Celebrity Apprentice Australia #4

It's a Thursday night and the claws are out in the 

"R - E - S - P - E - C - T, find out what it means to me" 

episode of The "Celebrity" Apprentice Australia, where someone from team Ignite is about to get Fired. HA. GET IT. 

We are reminded that Polly finds it disrespectful that Deni says she's been in the industry for 2 seconds..

We are reminded that Pauline loves getting the snake out,

And I cringe at the throught of Pauline Hanson getting anyones snake out. Even if it is her own. 

We are reminded that Deni doesn't just sing jingles for anybody. 

We didn't want to hear your
stupid voice anyway. 

And we then switch to Team Unity, who are celebrating their win, and Shane tells us that it has bought the team closer together. 

Wen-Dell Laptop tells that they bought  their A Games. Really Wen-Dell? 
Where did you buy them from?


I'd like to purchase myself some A Game. 

For now, the boys can relax and watch on as each member of team Ignite fights to stay in the competition.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

We hear that the girls raised $2,300. 

Mr Bouris tells the ladies that they had "120 people going through", 

Polly tells us that she was flattered and excited... About her Facebook followers bringing in $100, and wanting their photos taken with her. 

We then get to watch everyone play a little game I like to call.. "pass the blame"

Polly reckons it's Pauline, Deni and Lisa's fault that people weren't advised about donating extra money at the door, because.. you know, when Polly was at the counter selling people food, she couldn't have mentioned that maybe they could donate a few extra dollars or anything. 

No, no, Pauline, Deni and Lisa should have told them that. 

Jesinta wants to remind us once more that she is a 20 year old girl and got in her bikini and won the last challenge. 

Well done Jesinta. That must have been so hard for you, seeing as you would never usually get in a bikini. 

Pauline said no to corperation donations. Because that's smart.

So then Mister B and her have a bit of an argument..

Lets see a bit of the dialogue. 

Mr Bouris: What do you think Pauline? 

Pauline: Jesinta did raise that about the corperation and i didnt go for it because I thought we didn't have the man power to be sitting down and spending it with the corperations.

"are you serious?" asks Max, today dressed as... a monkey with Glasses, picking bugs off his face to eat. 

"She said no to corperatin donations...." says Didier, a few minutes later. 

He wasn't listening earlier as he was too busy ogling his own reflection in a window. 

Why hello there, handsome man in the mirror.
How you doin'?

Pauline continues.. "but the whole fact was that we had family friendly environment. It wasnt a matter of getting corperations in there."

Mr Bouris: would you change your mind now?

Pauline: um... well what happened was

Mr Bouris: surely you must

Pauline: we... what happened now

Mr Bouris: no dont give me the political answer Pauline

Pauline: i'm not giving you a political answer!

Mr Bouris: I just want to know, I just want to know

Pauline: we rang up 

Mr Bouris: no, pauline

Pauline: we rang up

Mr Bouris: no, pauline 

Pauline: the corperations, they weren't interested

Mr Bouris: Pauline. Pauline. Question time. 

Pauline: yep

Mr Bouris: ok?

Pauline: yes

Mr Bouris: would you do it differently now? would you listen to Jesinta, now given in that you had such an appauling amout of money raised.

Pauline: .....in hindsight... yes. everything looks different in hindsight. 

We then get to see Mister Bouris in a commercial, reminding us that this show is BOUGHT to you by Yellow Brick Road.


Proving once again, that Australians are an edumacated bunch. 

Then, Mister Commentator tells us Celebrity became a 'dirty word' yesterday, when Deni Heinz Beans and Pop the Builder had their little spat in the car about Pop being in the industry for two seconds.


Let's look at what was said in the very mature conversation that Deni Heinz Beans conducted with Pop the Builder.


D: You've been in the industry for like, two seconds.


P: ok, please, stop saying that to me.


D: why?


P: because I find it very disrespectful.


D: oh well...




Deni tells us that celebrity has become an easy word these days, and basically anyone can be famous if they're on the television for long enough. 


Oh, so that explains how your a celebrity! I was really baffled before you cleared that one up.


D: I know you weren't talking to me, but ok.


P: no, I am


D: um, no. well I didnt hear it. It went in one ear and out the other.


P: thats VERY mature of you Deni. 


D: thank you very much.. Mum..


P: are you.. Are you serious? Is this really how you talk to people? I find it very offencive. 


D: okay!




In the board room, Mr Bouris asks Deni..

"do you see Polly as a celebrity? Honest answer."

"um.. no I dont. no, I do. I do, I do, I do see her as a celebrity. A celebrated person. I don't see myself as a celebrity. I know that I am, but I dont see myself as that."

"But you're celebrity royalty..? I mean, you're born into it."

 "I know I am. I.. yeah.. but I really have a problem.. (we can see that) coz celebrity is so easy these days to do. you get on TV for 5 minutes and you can be a celebrity. I think theres a lot more to celebrity than.. that."

Deni can be observed making sense in the next three photos.

Mister Bouris tells us that polly raised $100 in tips, but Deni raised.. nothing. 


Deni puts this down to...

"People recognize her. They don't recognize my face, but they recognize yours. (Polly's)"

Then Polly tells us something like..


 If they recognize my face, doesn't that make me a celebrity?

Then Deni Heinz Beans says..  "I said you were one. I'm not one."

Julie is trying to work out
what it is that Deni has been smoking.

Deni then tells us that...

"I raised no money, but I kept the floors clean. I swept the floors, I got people in. When i'm out on the street, people recognize my face and I get them in. "

Didn't you just say that people don't recognize your face..?

Because saying  something like 

probably makes more sense than the crap she just came out with.

Polly tell sus that.. This cover is a cover. 

Yes, a cover that makes you look like you've smelt something really really bad.

Do you smell that, Jesinta?

How about you Julie?

It wasn't me.

I swear.

Didier tells us that "these girls are so strategic maaaannnnn...." 

Pauline decides to bring Polly and Deni back in to the board room,

which should be really fun, seeing as these three girls all like eachother so much.

And we switch to a realistic receptionist who sits at a desk, this week featuring a laptop and a calculator, who's soul job is to say "Yes sir" and "Mister Bouris will see you now", after which she can resume playing Angry Birds. 

Whats that? You want to speak to.. Mike Rotch?
Hang on. Let me ask for you.

Is there a Mike Rotch in the room?
I have a phone call for Mike Rotch. 

Little Simpsons reference there, for anyone who doesn't get it.

Deni tells us that if its about work ethic, she'll do well,

but if it's about the money, then she got a D+.

Hmm. well I don't know about you, but i'm pretty sure the whole point of Celebrity Apprentice has nothing to do with money, at all, in the slightest.

So we should keep Deni for sure.

Pauline manages to not think of a reason she shouldn't be fired.

But instead explains that she did her job as project manager,

by sweeping floors and adjusting chairs.

Polly has a hard working ethic, and Deni Heinz Beans tells us that Polly should be fired because...

She has over 24,000 followers on facebook or twitter or myspace or google or runescape what ever. 

Because last time a "celebrity" posted on facebook..

 "hey guyz come down to KFC and buy some chicken!"

I jumped in the car with all my friends and raced half way across Sydney to a really obscure KFC to do so. 

And Deni has a mother who's a famous singer, who probably has a lot of famous and rich friends in the music industry. And it wouldnt make sense for Deni to contact her mum and ask her to come down to KFC and get on a microphone and sing to attract attention, and ask people to donate money. 

It's clear that Polly is the one that should have brought in all the money in this situation, because she has a lot of facebook friends.

And here we are thinking that Deni should get fired, because she's a poor team player who brought in no money...

And then.. SHOCK. WHAT? POLLY GETS FIRED!

There there Polly, we still love you.

And the 2 Minute Instant Celebrity is cast out into the night, to catch the midnight train BMW going anywhere....

 I can imagine that will go down well with the public. 


It'll probably go down just as well as Quantas being grounded indefinitely. 

Stay tuned for next week! Now go do something productive :)

<3 Alex

Celebrity Apprentice Australia #1

Well, here it is. My first verbal-vomit format review of Australia's funniest show.
Welcome to the "Workin' At The Car Wash" Episode of Celebrity Apprentice Australia.
Complete with Babes in Bikini's. 

******

To start things off, Julia Morris tells us that she knows she's going to have to do some stuff to win for her charity that she's not going to be proud of, but she's going to wear it loik a baaaadddgee. 
My mind automatically wanders to dirty things, seeing as she won't be proud of them. 


Pauline Hanson tells us that she's going to win, because she doesn't see herself as a loser. 

Don't worry Pauline, I don't see you as a loser either.
I just see you as someone that skinned a zebra
and wore it's coat on TV. 

Deni Can of Beans Heinz tells us that she "will have no problem in making Pauline Hanson cry."

You're right there honey,
just show her that hair style.
it's an absolute tragedy.
OH SNAP.

Suddenly, accompanied by some very dramatic music, a shadowy figure appears, straight off the Yellow Brick Road. OOOH! Exclaims Polly Porter, because OH MY GOD IT'S MARK BOURIS!

hello ladies.

Max Markson tells us that he loves Jascinta, she's stunning, gorgeous, sexy, but "you can fire her straight away."
because, you know, Max can't have an erection and concentrate on winning at the same time.

GIGGIDY

We learn that the first challenge is all about getting down and dirty, 
which will give Julia the opportunity to do some stuff that she's not going to be proud of.

YES. THIS PLEASES JULIE.

We also learn that there will be a winning team, and a losing team, from which someone will be fired. 

our Model and
Pop the Builder
 are still trying to wrap their heads
around the concept. 

The first challenge for the celebs is trying to figure out a name for their team. And in true Australian Spirit, the girls go for "Bouris' Babes." Nice one ladies, let's see where that one gets you.
Pauline tells us she doesn't like the name, because she does not consider herself a "babe".

but Pauline, your complexion and
dress sense is so youthful. 

 

We switch to the boys team, who are attempting to find a name. Didier would help out, but he's too busy picking his nose. 

I guess they didn't teach Didier table
manners at model school.

After deciding on the name Unity, the team then expresses irony by not uniting in the decision to make Max Cue Ball the project manager. 


So we now have our two team names and our two project managers, Bouris' Babes, led by Jascinta Campbells Soup, and Team Unity, led by Max Cue Ball. 


The two teams decide to approach the challenge differently, the ladies deciding to set a minimum car wash price of $50, and the men deciding on setting the starting price at $1000. Hey, i'm all for donating to charity, but i'm not for being forced to donate my life savings to have my car washed by a bunch of rugby players using a pressure cleaner.


Jesinta reckons that social media will be a big part of their marketing, so asks everyone to go on twitter and Facebook, and if they don't have one, to make one. Coz you know, the moment Pauline Hanson or Demi Heinz Beans makes a twitter account, every person in Australia will follow her account and race down to the car wash.


Pauline decides it would be a good idea to have a sign saying "please explain why you are not having your car washed right now" which is REALLY FUNNY, and everyone driving past in their cars will have time to read the sign and make a quick decision to turn in to the car wash and explain themselves. 


Well, after all, "Please Explain" really resonitates with her.


Jesinta and Polly ask the other ladies to stay behind to call up contacts and sort out marketing, while they go out and play dress ups. A responsible decision. 

all in a hard days work.

Shane decides to play a prank on Max Cue Ball, and call him and pretend he's someone donating $25000.

so much respect has been won.

Julie tells us not to lose sight of the fact that Max Markson is THE DEVIL.

don't worry Julie, we won't forget any time soon.

So, the girls get the Bondi Beach Carwash, and the boys get.. Gladesville? 
Because, you know, last time I checked, Gladesville was a real Must Visit destination. 
Jescinta tells the ladies that she'll be running around organizing evreythink, because she speaks like a real ozzy.



Bouris' Babes signs arrive, and really look wonderful.

complete with Blown out light bulb and all!

Jescinta tells us that she is project manager, and made a decision. That. Sign. Was. To. Stay.
Because she's a big girl now, that's why.




Bouris' Babes are really doing their name justice, dressed like that. 

Well, those outfits are doing nothing. So Jascinta takes it upon herself to.. take her shirt off herself. Which is about as surprising as looking down and seeing feet.

Some of Jascintas friends stand on the street, being enthusiastic and helpful.

Julie begs for a dollar. "I'll get nude for a dollar." And yet again, she shows us how enthusiastic she is to get down and dirty for her charity. 


Warwick decides to be as helpful as an ashtray on a motorbike, and also decides to get down and dirty for the charity.

"Didier is just threatened by me, because
i'm better looking than him. Even though i'm
20 years older."

clearly.

We are reminded once again how much of a Devil that Max Cue Ball is, by how he scares this poor child.

RAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And then Suddenly, a wild Russel Crowe appears! 
and when I say wild, I mean.. he looks like he's been living in the wild.

oog.

According to Jascinta, Russel has thousands of followers on twitter that his tweet has gone out to.

Really Jascinta? Thousands?
yeah.. give or take a few.

A truck pulls in to Unities car wash, and Didier asks.. "are we going to wash it?"
No Didier, we're going to wear it like AussieBum budgie smugglers and model it. 


And speaking of AussieBum, Sean Ashby rocks up in his Range Rover and waits half an hour, before deciding he actually wants to go and ask Pauline Hanson to take her clothes off for $50,000. GOOD ON YOU SEAN! I really hope you donated that money for the cause of charity, not just for your own pleasure..

I can think of a lot of people who would
pay to see Pauline Hanson wearing those. 

For a woman her age, she has SURPRISINGLY good legs.


After a short rendition of the national anthem, in which Deni Heinz Beans wouldn't sing for less than $10,000, Deni tells us "Mamma P, love me some Pauline Hanson" which is a stark change to her earlier comment, about wanting to make Pauline cry. 

What can I say? That woman's got swag. 

Jascinta tells us yet again that "what i've done is i've decided to take my shirt off". You could almost say that she is confidant about her body. Or maybe she was just trying to show up Pauline. 


The boys business is clearly booming.

which is reflected in the board room. 
which we now switch to.


Mister Bouris asks about the names, and is clearly not impressed by the fact that the girls are calling themselves "Bouris' Babes".
It doesn't sound like the name of a team of professional, independent, smart women. 
Hence the reason they chose it.


Mister Bouris continues to question the ladies, and Jascinta tells us she BOUGHT in $17,000, and that someone suggested that she wash the cars in her Bikinis. Because.. there was more than one? Or maybe they just didn't teach her the difference between singular and plural in model school. She then goes on to tell us that it was her decision, and she is an adult, and will not be ripping her clothes off if she is running a restaurant or hotel for the next challenge.

This displeases Jason.

And seeing as this is not a pageant, Jascinta is not allowed to not name someone for "not pulling their weight" so she then throws Polly and Julia under the bus. Polly says that it's not her fault she doesn't have contacts, because she's been around for two minutes. But she is a yes person, so she deserves to stay. 




So anyway, the Girls win, which is about as surprising as going to India and finding poverty. 

The boys are clearly not happy with this outcome.

Especially Max Cue Ball, and Didier,
who appears to be cracking his neck in anger..?

We also learn that someone from the boys team will be fired, which scares Wendell just a little bit.

... mummy.

Then, with the traditionally scant budget and crappy production values we’re so used to on Australian Television, 
they decide to put off the elimination until tomorrow night. So at least they can stretch the season to surviving 2 episodes.


Tune in tomorrow for a recap of Episodes 2 and 3!
Now, Go do something productive.
<3 Alex