The Celebrity Apprentice Australia #4

It's a Thursday night and the claws are out in the 

"R - E - S - P - E - C - T, find out what it means to me" 

episode of The "Celebrity" Apprentice Australia, where someone from team Ignite is about to get Fired. HA. GET IT. 

We are reminded that Polly finds it disrespectful that Deni says she's been in the industry for 2 seconds..

We are reminded that Pauline loves getting the snake out,

And I cringe at the throught of Pauline Hanson getting anyones snake out. Even if it is her own. 

We are reminded that Deni doesn't just sing jingles for anybody. 

We didn't want to hear your
stupid voice anyway. 

And we then switch to Team Unity, who are celebrating their win, and Shane tells us that it has bought the team closer together. 

Wen-Dell Laptop tells that they bought  their A Games. Really Wen-Dell? 
Where did you buy them from?


I'd like to purchase myself some A Game. 

For now, the boys can relax and watch on as each member of team Ignite fights to stay in the competition.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

We hear that the girls raised $2,300. 

Mr Bouris tells the ladies that they had "120 people going through", 

Polly tells us that she was flattered and excited... About her Facebook followers bringing in $100, and wanting their photos taken with her. 

We then get to watch everyone play a little game I like to call.. "pass the blame"

Polly reckons it's Pauline, Deni and Lisa's fault that people weren't advised about donating extra money at the door, because.. you know, when Polly was at the counter selling people food, she couldn't have mentioned that maybe they could donate a few extra dollars or anything. 

No, no, Pauline, Deni and Lisa should have told them that. 

Jesinta wants to remind us once more that she is a 20 year old girl and got in her bikini and won the last challenge. 

Well done Jesinta. That must have been so hard for you, seeing as you would never usually get in a bikini. 

Pauline said no to corperation donations. Because that's smart.

So then Mister B and her have a bit of an argument..

Lets see a bit of the dialogue. 

Mr Bouris: What do you think Pauline? 

Pauline: Jesinta did raise that about the corperation and i didnt go for it because I thought we didn't have the man power to be sitting down and spending it with the corperations.

"are you serious?" asks Max, today dressed as... a monkey with Glasses, picking bugs off his face to eat. 

"She said no to corperatin donations...." says Didier, a few minutes later. 

He wasn't listening earlier as he was too busy ogling his own reflection in a window. 

Why hello there, handsome man in the mirror.
How you doin'?

Pauline continues.. "but the whole fact was that we had family friendly environment. It wasnt a matter of getting corperations in there."

Mr Bouris: would you change your mind now?

Pauline: um... well what happened was

Mr Bouris: surely you must

Pauline: we... what happened now

Mr Bouris: no dont give me the political answer Pauline

Pauline: i'm not giving you a political answer!

Mr Bouris: I just want to know, I just want to know

Pauline: we rang up 

Mr Bouris: no, pauline

Pauline: we rang up

Mr Bouris: no, pauline 

Pauline: the corperations, they weren't interested

Mr Bouris: Pauline. Pauline. Question time. 

Pauline: yep

Mr Bouris: ok?

Pauline: yes

Mr Bouris: would you do it differently now? would you listen to Jesinta, now given in that you had such an appauling amout of money raised.

Pauline: .....in hindsight... yes. everything looks different in hindsight. 

We then get to see Mister Bouris in a commercial, reminding us that this show is BOUGHT to you by Yellow Brick Road.


Proving once again, that Australians are an edumacated bunch. 

Then, Mister Commentator tells us Celebrity became a 'dirty word' yesterday, when Deni Heinz Beans and Pop the Builder had their little spat in the car about Pop being in the industry for two seconds.


Let's look at what was said in the very mature conversation that Deni Heinz Beans conducted with Pop the Builder.


D: You've been in the industry for like, two seconds.


P: ok, please, stop saying that to me.


D: why?


P: because I find it very disrespectful.


D: oh well...




Deni tells us that celebrity has become an easy word these days, and basically anyone can be famous if they're on the television for long enough. 


Oh, so that explains how your a celebrity! I was really baffled before you cleared that one up.


D: I know you weren't talking to me, but ok.


P: no, I am


D: um, no. well I didnt hear it. It went in one ear and out the other.


P: thats VERY mature of you Deni. 


D: thank you very much.. Mum..


P: are you.. Are you serious? Is this really how you talk to people? I find it very offencive. 


D: okay!




In the board room, Mr Bouris asks Deni..

"do you see Polly as a celebrity? Honest answer."

"um.. no I dont. no, I do. I do, I do, I do see her as a celebrity. A celebrated person. I don't see myself as a celebrity. I know that I am, but I dont see myself as that."

"But you're celebrity royalty..? I mean, you're born into it."

 "I know I am. I.. yeah.. but I really have a problem.. (we can see that) coz celebrity is so easy these days to do. you get on TV for 5 minutes and you can be a celebrity. I think theres a lot more to celebrity than.. that."

Deni can be observed making sense in the next three photos.

Mister Bouris tells us that polly raised $100 in tips, but Deni raised.. nothing. 


Deni puts this down to...

"People recognize her. They don't recognize my face, but they recognize yours. (Polly's)"

Then Polly tells us something like..


 If they recognize my face, doesn't that make me a celebrity?

Then Deni Heinz Beans says..  "I said you were one. I'm not one."

Julie is trying to work out
what it is that Deni has been smoking.

Deni then tells us that...

"I raised no money, but I kept the floors clean. I swept the floors, I got people in. When i'm out on the street, people recognize my face and I get them in. "

Didn't you just say that people don't recognize your face..?

Because saying  something like 

probably makes more sense than the crap she just came out with.

Polly tell sus that.. This cover is a cover. 

Yes, a cover that makes you look like you've smelt something really really bad.

Do you smell that, Jesinta?

How about you Julie?

It wasn't me.

I swear.

Didier tells us that "these girls are so strategic maaaannnnn...." 

Pauline decides to bring Polly and Deni back in to the board room,

which should be really fun, seeing as these three girls all like eachother so much.

And we switch to a realistic receptionist who sits at a desk, this week featuring a laptop and a calculator, who's soul job is to say "Yes sir" and "Mister Bouris will see you now", after which she can resume playing Angry Birds. 

Whats that? You want to speak to.. Mike Rotch?
Hang on. Let me ask for you.

Is there a Mike Rotch in the room?
I have a phone call for Mike Rotch. 

Little Simpsons reference there, for anyone who doesn't get it.

Deni tells us that if its about work ethic, she'll do well,

but if it's about the money, then she got a D+.

Hmm. well I don't know about you, but i'm pretty sure the whole point of Celebrity Apprentice has nothing to do with money, at all, in the slightest.

So we should keep Deni for sure.

Pauline manages to not think of a reason she shouldn't be fired.

But instead explains that she did her job as project manager,

by sweeping floors and adjusting chairs.

Polly has a hard working ethic, and Deni Heinz Beans tells us that Polly should be fired because...

She has over 24,000 followers on facebook or twitter or myspace or google or runescape what ever. 

Because last time a "celebrity" posted on facebook..

 "hey guyz come down to KFC and buy some chicken!"

I jumped in the car with all my friends and raced half way across Sydney to a really obscure KFC to do so. 

And Deni has a mother who's a famous singer, who probably has a lot of famous and rich friends in the music industry. And it wouldnt make sense for Deni to contact her mum and ask her to come down to KFC and get on a microphone and sing to attract attention, and ask people to donate money. 

It's clear that Polly is the one that should have brought in all the money in this situation, because she has a lot of facebook friends.

And here we are thinking that Deni should get fired, because she's a poor team player who brought in no money...

And then.. SHOCK. WHAT? POLLY GETS FIRED!

There there Polly, we still love you.

And the 2 Minute Instant Celebrity is cast out into the night, to catch the midnight train BMW going anywhere....

 I can imagine that will go down well with the public. 


It'll probably go down just as well as Quantas being grounded indefinitely. 

Stay tuned for next week! Now go do something productive :)

<3 Alex

Celebrity Apprentice Australia #2

Ladies and Gentleman, I hope you're ready, because here it is.

Welcome to the "Not Happy Jan" episode of Celebrity Apprentice Australia,
and I must say, you know things are about to get juicy, the moment you spot the infamous
sideways man bitch glance.
I'd recognize it a mile off.

We start things off with a recap of last week, and how the girls put their best assets forward.

HA HA THATS SO PUNNY.

Step aside Jesinta,

Mamma P's Pretty Perky Posterior is in town.

We are then reminded of Team Unity's sad, sad loss.
You could almost say that Max Cue Ball was a little bit unhappy about it.

To get our mind off the devastation we feel for the men's team, we now switch to Bouris' Babes.

Deni, today dressed as Princess Leia,

 proposes a toast to Mumma P who has finally put on some undies.

Or something like that.

"What can I say? I just can't keep my pants on!"

"OH Pauline, you cheeky thing! BEHAVE!"

Shane can be seen in the background,
attempting to gouge his eyes out after visualising
Mamma P without pants on.

We switch back to the bored room, where Mister Bouris asks the men how much money they think they raised as individuals.

Ladies and Gentleman, the statics are in! Here is the score board, according to the men.

Coming in at 1st Place, for believing he raised $50,000 is Max Cue Ball!

2nd Place goes to Shane, for believing he raised between $15,000 to $20,000.

Didier comes in at third place, believing he raised $6,200.

Jason manages to scrape in at fourth place, with a supposed $5000.

Followed closely by Wawrick Baseball Cap-per, who attempts to take credit for the $3000 donation by ZOO. Because he worked there. No, he didn't actually ring them, Max Cue Ball did, but that doesn't matter. That one is all thanks to Wawrick.

And scraping the bottom of the donation barrel is WenDell Laptop- who reckons he brought in $1000.

Alright alright, you can stop the applause now, because it's time to hear some REAL NUMBERS.
The scores have been counted, and the new Score Board now reads....

Max Cue Ball,  $36,5000
Shane, $30,500
Didier, $5000
Jason, $1000
WenDell Laptop, $250
Wawrick Baseball Cap-per, $20, and something about a lobster.
But it's OK that Wawrick came last, because he got shirts made up with great colours, and didn't have time to ring up any of his contacts for donations.

No time what so ever.
He had a very busy schedule that day.

Max Cue Ball was pretty adamant that he raised $50,000.
Turns out he only raised $35,000.
Max is not happy.

Warwick tells Mr Bouris that he worked as hard as he could on the day, and couldnt do much better.

Wawrick can be seen here, resting.

In fact, he worked so hard that Shane decided to treat
him to a sponge bath.

Max Cue Ball tells Mr Bouris that "we broke the world record for raising money in terms of a car wash, but somebody else broke the world record on the same day."
MMMM. That's awkward, isn't it? Maybe you shouldn't have kept a certain client waiting for half an hour?

"Aussie bum came along, committed Five Thousand Dollars to us, then they dissapeared. I don't know why. I guess they were waiting too long."

No, i'm pretty sure they didn't mind waiting. I mean, if I was going to pay $5,000 to have MY car washed, i'd be more than happy to wait in a line for an hour.

Well anyway, speaking of Aussie Bums, it appears that Mr Bouris is attempting to give himself a bum chin.
Just thought I should point that out.

pretty cool, huh?

Jason tells Mr Bouris "Max told Didi and I that we were making $30,000 for the truck, when we only made $3,000."
Max denies this. Apparantly he only said it was $3,000.
I guess they didn't teach Jason maths in dancing school.
Either that, or all the hair from the top of Max Cue Ball's head is actually inside his ears, preventing him from  hearing properly.

uhhh... what was that?

Max decides that "maybe we should have made it $5,000 minimum."
Yes Max, great idea. Because i'm sure that would have fixed the problem, and attracted many, many more customers.

Wawrick reckons that one of his friends drove for an hour to get his car washed, and wanted to pay $100, but was turned away by Max.
Max also apparently told Didier that "the $25 and $50 off the street is not going to make a difference." Because last time I checked, this show isn't about raising as much money for charity as possible, it's just about winning, to prove who has a better list of rich contacts.

Deni Heinz Beans tells us that "Max will learn from this experience that he should have collected as much money as possible, even if it was small amounts." 


Julie tells us that "I'll tell you what Max will learn from this experience, when he sees himself, is a couple of green tea bags under his eyes just to lift a little bit HAHAHA"
Come on now Julie, one more glass of champagne and you might start making sense!

WARNING. THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS RATED MA15+.

Julie then goes in for a big smooch with Shane, after he says "Max's strategy was a disaster."

OH YES SHANE, YES. YES. YES!!

I think I even saw her slip in a bit of tongue.

After the kiss, Julie decides to take my earlier advice and "have another glass of champagne"
Good idea Julie, good idea. Hopefully when you wake up in the morning, you won't remember anything of your night with Shane.

Shane tells Mr Bouris that Max was running around like... Mad Max, and was "out of control."
I can't imagine Max would be too pleased about being called a name like that. Although, I can't really tell how he feels about it, seeing as his face always seems to be stuck permanently in one expression.

This is Max's face when
Shane calls him Mad Max.

This is Max's face when he is told
that he raised $36,500 for charity.

This is Max hearing that
a cure for Cancer has been found.

This is Max's face when looking at a
bucked full of kittens, puppies,
chocolate, cupcakes, sunshine and daisies.

this is Max when someone starts talking
about a thing called "hair."

Doesn't give much away, that man.

When Mr Bouris asks Max who he would like to bring back to the board room, he chooses "Wawwick Cappa, and Wawwick Cappa"
He then chooses Wen-Dell Laptop, to make it an even 3. Because Max is good at counting.

Wawrick, when being interviewed outside the bored room, tells us he is the comedy king. Reflected in his joyous and fun behaviour throughout the show so far.

He also tells us that his fellow team members are like cane toads. They have the personality of cane toads.

You got a problem with us, buddy?

And suddenly, we switch to a realistic receptionist, "Olivia", who sits at a table, this week featuring a toshiba laptop, calculator, diary and a cup of coloured pencils,
who's soul job is to say "yes sir" and
"Missah Bawwis will see you now", after which she can resume playing Tetris.

Max now tells Mr Bouris that he brought wawrick in for not making any money, as well as the fact that..
 "He's a party animal, fun fun fun."

Warwick can be observed here,
being a party animal.

Wawrick then pleads his case, after Mister Bouris asks why Max Cue Ball Bought him in to the board room.

"umm I did um.. go outside and uh have a cup at the breaks, but actually did have a disahlaated finger last week so I was a little bit sore."

"why shouldn't I fire you, Wawrick?" Asks Mister B.
"Coz i'm um.. a hard worker."

clearly.

"i'm one of the most well known people in Austrayah.. I can get people in. and I think i'm good for the team."
Hence your huge contribution and participation in the car wash challenge.

Dell reckons he's been bought in to the bored room coz he didnt bring in the cash,
but he'd fire Wawrick.
Because apparantly Wawrick bought fun to the table, but at the car wash, he upset the balance.

Dell then goes on to tell Mr Bouris "you shouldnt fire me, coz i worked damn hard. I worked hard the whole day"
Come on now Dell, lets be honest here. You didn't work anywhere near as hard as Wawrick.

Ok, i'm just going to interject for a minute here...
The men keep going on about the fact that they lost the challenge because they lost the $5,000 that Aussiebum was going to donate.
So.. They really think that the Aussiebum guys would donate to team Unity, and then drive right on by Pauline Hanson and skip the opportunity to see her Aussiebum?
No. Come on guys, I mean honestly, even if team Unity had got the Aussiebum $5,000 donation, they STILL would have lost, because the Aussiebum man would still have donated money to Pauline. He wouldn't miss the opportunity he had in front of him.

Anyway,

Mr Bouris tells Warwick, "You are a man of notoriety, but you raised zero and i think properly managed, your notoriety could have been made better use of."
To which Wawrick replies- "that's probably correct words".
He wouldn't actually know if they were correct though, seeing as words like notoriety are far out of his vocabulary.

Max cue ball stays in because he raised over $30,000.
Dell Laptop raised $250, so he stays,
and surprise surprise, Warwick Capper having raised ZERO, is eliminated.
which is about as surprising as hearing that no one in Australia likes Julia Gillard.

Wawrick then walks out into the cold night, and catches the midnight train BMW going anywhere.....

Oh, and it appears that he is also escorted by police cars.

In the ride home, Wawrick then describes what he thinks of Max, with a rude hand gesture.

Charming, Wawrick.

Well shit, i'm happy that man's been fired. I was getting really annoyed with having to constantly correct his name from Warwick to Wawrick.

Anyway, I know i'm a few days late with each of these, but the episodes take time to go over with a fine tooth comb! So give me a break.
And stay tuned for Episodes 3 and 4! Coming soon!

Read about episode #1 here, if you haven't already.
http://pifkie.blogspot.com/2011/10/celebrity-apprentice-australia-1.html

Now, go do something productive!
<3 Alex