Celebrity Apprentice Australia #1

Well, here it is. My first verbal-vomit format review of Australia's funniest show.
Welcome to the "Workin' At The Car Wash" Episode of Celebrity Apprentice Australia.
Complete with Babes in Bikini's. 

******

To start things off, Julia Morris tells us that she knows she's going to have to do some stuff to win for her charity that she's not going to be proud of, but she's going to wear it loik a baaaadddgee. 
My mind automatically wanders to dirty things, seeing as she won't be proud of them. 


Pauline Hanson tells us that she's going to win, because she doesn't see herself as a loser. 

Don't worry Pauline, I don't see you as a loser either.
I just see you as someone that skinned a zebra
and wore it's coat on TV. 

Deni Can of Beans Heinz tells us that she "will have no problem in making Pauline Hanson cry."

You're right there honey,
just show her that hair style.
it's an absolute tragedy.
OH SNAP.

Suddenly, accompanied by some very dramatic music, a shadowy figure appears, straight off the Yellow Brick Road. OOOH! Exclaims Polly Porter, because OH MY GOD IT'S MARK BOURIS!

hello ladies.

Max Markson tells us that he loves Jascinta, she's stunning, gorgeous, sexy, but "you can fire her straight away."
because, you know, Max can't have an erection and concentrate on winning at the same time.

GIGGIDY

We learn that the first challenge is all about getting down and dirty, 
which will give Julia the opportunity to do some stuff that she's not going to be proud of.

YES. THIS PLEASES JULIE.

We also learn that there will be a winning team, and a losing team, from which someone will be fired. 

our Model and
Pop the Builder
 are still trying to wrap their heads
around the concept. 

The first challenge for the celebs is trying to figure out a name for their team. And in true Australian Spirit, the girls go for "Bouris' Babes." Nice one ladies, let's see where that one gets you.
Pauline tells us she doesn't like the name, because she does not consider herself a "babe".

but Pauline, your complexion and
dress sense is so youthful. 

 

We switch to the boys team, who are attempting to find a name. Didier would help out, but he's too busy picking his nose. 

I guess they didn't teach Didier table
manners at model school.

After deciding on the name Unity, the team then expresses irony by not uniting in the decision to make Max Cue Ball the project manager. 


So we now have our two team names and our two project managers, Bouris' Babes, led by Jascinta Campbells Soup, and Team Unity, led by Max Cue Ball. 


The two teams decide to approach the challenge differently, the ladies deciding to set a minimum car wash price of $50, and the men deciding on setting the starting price at $1000. Hey, i'm all for donating to charity, but i'm not for being forced to donate my life savings to have my car washed by a bunch of rugby players using a pressure cleaner.


Jesinta reckons that social media will be a big part of their marketing, so asks everyone to go on twitter and Facebook, and if they don't have one, to make one. Coz you know, the moment Pauline Hanson or Demi Heinz Beans makes a twitter account, every person in Australia will follow her account and race down to the car wash.


Pauline decides it would be a good idea to have a sign saying "please explain why you are not having your car washed right now" which is REALLY FUNNY, and everyone driving past in their cars will have time to read the sign and make a quick decision to turn in to the car wash and explain themselves. 


Well, after all, "Please Explain" really resonitates with her.


Jesinta and Polly ask the other ladies to stay behind to call up contacts and sort out marketing, while they go out and play dress ups. A responsible decision. 

all in a hard days work.

Shane decides to play a prank on Max Cue Ball, and call him and pretend he's someone donating $25000.

so much respect has been won.

Julie tells us not to lose sight of the fact that Max Markson is THE DEVIL.

don't worry Julie, we won't forget any time soon.

So, the girls get the Bondi Beach Carwash, and the boys get.. Gladesville? 
Because, you know, last time I checked, Gladesville was a real Must Visit destination. 
Jescinta tells the ladies that she'll be running around organizing evreythink, because she speaks like a real ozzy.



Bouris' Babes signs arrive, and really look wonderful.

complete with Blown out light bulb and all!

Jescinta tells us that she is project manager, and made a decision. That. Sign. Was. To. Stay.
Because she's a big girl now, that's why.




Bouris' Babes are really doing their name justice, dressed like that. 

Well, those outfits are doing nothing. So Jascinta takes it upon herself to.. take her shirt off herself. Which is about as surprising as looking down and seeing feet.

Some of Jascintas friends stand on the street, being enthusiastic and helpful.

Julie begs for a dollar. "I'll get nude for a dollar." And yet again, she shows us how enthusiastic she is to get down and dirty for her charity. 


Warwick decides to be as helpful as an ashtray on a motorbike, and also decides to get down and dirty for the charity.

"Didier is just threatened by me, because
i'm better looking than him. Even though i'm
20 years older."

clearly.

We are reminded once again how much of a Devil that Max Cue Ball is, by how he scares this poor child.

RAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And then Suddenly, a wild Russel Crowe appears! 
and when I say wild, I mean.. he looks like he's been living in the wild.

oog.

According to Jascinta, Russel has thousands of followers on twitter that his tweet has gone out to.

Really Jascinta? Thousands?
yeah.. give or take a few.

A truck pulls in to Unities car wash, and Didier asks.. "are we going to wash it?"
No Didier, we're going to wear it like AussieBum budgie smugglers and model it. 


And speaking of AussieBum, Sean Ashby rocks up in his Range Rover and waits half an hour, before deciding he actually wants to go and ask Pauline Hanson to take her clothes off for $50,000. GOOD ON YOU SEAN! I really hope you donated that money for the cause of charity, not just for your own pleasure..

I can think of a lot of people who would
pay to see Pauline Hanson wearing those. 

For a woman her age, she has SURPRISINGLY good legs.


After a short rendition of the national anthem, in which Deni Heinz Beans wouldn't sing for less than $10,000, Deni tells us "Mamma P, love me some Pauline Hanson" which is a stark change to her earlier comment, about wanting to make Pauline cry. 

What can I say? That woman's got swag. 

Jascinta tells us yet again that "what i've done is i've decided to take my shirt off". You could almost say that she is confidant about her body. Or maybe she was just trying to show up Pauline. 


The boys business is clearly booming.

which is reflected in the board room. 
which we now switch to.


Mister Bouris asks about the names, and is clearly not impressed by the fact that the girls are calling themselves "Bouris' Babes".
It doesn't sound like the name of a team of professional, independent, smart women. 
Hence the reason they chose it.


Mister Bouris continues to question the ladies, and Jascinta tells us she BOUGHT in $17,000, and that someone suggested that she wash the cars in her Bikinis. Because.. there was more than one? Or maybe they just didn't teach her the difference between singular and plural in model school. She then goes on to tell us that it was her decision, and she is an adult, and will not be ripping her clothes off if she is running a restaurant or hotel for the next challenge.

This displeases Jason.

And seeing as this is not a pageant, Jascinta is not allowed to not name someone for "not pulling their weight" so she then throws Polly and Julia under the bus. Polly says that it's not her fault she doesn't have contacts, because she's been around for two minutes. But she is a yes person, so she deserves to stay. 




So anyway, the Girls win, which is about as surprising as going to India and finding poverty. 

The boys are clearly not happy with this outcome.

Especially Max Cue Ball, and Didier,
who appears to be cracking his neck in anger..?

We also learn that someone from the boys team will be fired, which scares Wendell just a little bit.

... mummy.

Then, with the traditionally scant budget and crappy production values we’re so used to on Australian Television, 
they decide to put off the elimination until tomorrow night. So at least they can stretch the season to surviving 2 episodes.


Tune in tomorrow for a recap of Episodes 2 and 3!
Now, Go do something productive.
<3 Alex